Mind Thoughts

I know I only have a few followers, but if anyone could weigh in, I’d appreciate it!

I’m ready to move across the country for a man I’ve spent only 4 days with but 2 months talking to.  in a week I go back to see him and based on how it goes, tell him I’d move if we wanted to take that step.

Am I crazy ?  Or do you really just know when its right?

Had a real conversation with my dad tonight, which never happens. We are so alike that every time we try to have a real conversation about something I get so upset that I’m disappointing him that I just break down. I made the mistake today of telling my day my plans. My big idea to move if all goes well in a few weeks when I head back to NC.

My dad ( like Adam) is logical. ” This is one of the worst ideas you’ve ever had and you’ve had some horrible ideas… you’ve spent four days with this clown and you want to move there? That’s ridiculous.”  I try to calmly state my side and why I am considering the move, Yes, it’s crazy, yes its impulsive, yes I doesn’t make sense… to anyone. But does it have to?

He wants me to make something of myself. Obviously, so do I.

What do you do when you are completely and utterly controlled by love?

The only thing I’ve EVER truly whole hearted wanted in my life is to love and be loved, to be a wife, to be a mom… What do you do when the only thing you want in life relies on someone else? I WISH i could wake up tomorrow and not care about love, I beg every day to not care about it as much as I do.  I want to be able to focus on ANY thing and EVERY thing else! SCHOOL, WORK, ANYTHING! but I can’t, it goes against every fiber of my being to not care and give it all I have.

Tell me how to change this and I will! I promise I will change!

This is my decision for a change, for an adventure, Would I have moved there if I didn’t meet him, no, but I love it there and If I have the ability to give this a normal shot then why not? Don’t read too much into it, a move isn’t marriage. I know he’s leaving but we will still have a good few months together and I would rather be there alone then in MN alone.

Why the move?
I don’t want to do long distance, when I don’t have to… I just want to be able to date. I guess it’s a “speed up to slow down” kind of thing. I want to be there and get to know him, the day to day him sooner rather than later. We can keep doing this, trips every other month or so for the next 6 months and continue with text and phone calls, but it won’t be the same. We’ll continue to have “date-cations”. Which doesn’t give either one of us the whole picture of who the other person is and how we mesh together.

Change
I won’t see my parents, brother, puppy, friends and other family for awhile. I’ve done this before when I was in AZ and yes it sucked, but we talked everyday. What makes me sad is thinking about if something happened with Peanut or any of my family or friends and I wasn’t there. But at the same time I think it would be good for me to become more independent.
I have a great job but it was always going to only be a temporary job. Nothing I could make a career out of.

Protection
My plan is to get my own apartment and obviously a job. Not to leech off of Adam, but to create my own life there not a life that is focused on only him.
I’ll have to plan a few months ahead. Make sure I have the finances for the move and to maintain life once I get there.

I own this move, I’m moving for me, for my future. For an adventure. I was drawn to NC for a reason, maybe that reason was Adam, maybe it wasn’t. I’d rather know after a few months we aren’t right together then have us both invest tons of time and money on trips and it not work out when/if we ever get the chance to actually really be together.

Would you move for your dream job? Probably, so why not move for the dream guy? Why do people think its ambitious and fearless if your move for your career and when its for a guy its foolish and immature. The risks are the same but is the potential happiness that came come from love i think that’s a lot more worth it. Before you moved for a job you would research and consider all the options. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Worst case scenario is that we find out we aren’t right and then at least I can move forward in my life knowing that I gave it a chance. I risked it all for love. I’m not emotionless, I’m not dead inside, I’m not broken from my past. I can feel something for someone and trust someone. Yes its a little crazy to want to move across country when I spent only 4 days with him and how many hours talking on the phone and getting to know each other talking about our childhoods, our families, past relationships, our favorite things, our flaws and our strengths, but he’s is unlike any man I’ve ever met. The connection we have is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

In a few weeks, We’ll have this talk and decide our future.

Waiting –Sweating- fear and pain

Feeling dizzy-full of shame

Eyes are down and tears are streaming

Forever changed, heart is screaming.

I’ve done it yet again, met a guy, and within moments have planned the rest of our lives. After a month of 4 hour phone calls

I’ll move there in August because he’s got two years left in the Marines. I’ll finish my degree from there and graduate right after his deployment. 6 months without him, on my own, living in this new town… yeah it’s going to be tough and there will be nights I’ll call my best friend from back home in MN  and cry because I hate being so alone, but I love him so much ( I said it would be worth it.) I moved so quickly. I wanted to know right away if this was real. Could I really have met a man like this and have him be the one? I said I was too old to try and do long distance for the next two years. So I packed up my G6 with my favorite clothes and shoes and made the 22 hour long journey to my new life. Maybe I would only be there a month or two, but at least then I would know. I gave it all I could, I leaped. I just wanted to know if he was it. I don’t want to invest 2 years of barely seeing him and then 7 months of nothing only to be possibly tempted by my life going on without him in it. I would rather be there alone then here alone.

Then after those rough months, he’d come back, it would be like the honeymoon phase all over again. Then we’ve ride out the rest of his enlistment there and once he was done, we’d start planning the future. Ideally, sell or rent out the house, then move here and get those 100 acres we always talked about wanting someday. Marriage and babies would find there way into our lives and we would…. live happily ever after.

This is my concoction of how my life would go. This is how I have it planned. After today, I’m wondering what my next trip will bring. We’d started to make plans months in advance… I’m going there again on the 8th and he’s mentioned coming here in July. What if He says its too soon. ( I have a feeling he’s going to). He’s like that you know, logical, practical, He’ll think everything through and from every angle. Me on the other hand, When it comes to love, I’m as impulsive as I could possibly be.  My “Life’s too short” philosophy sometimes kicks me in the ass.

Dare I move 22 hours away from my entire life, family, friends, work… everything and give this a shot?

Will he even think its a good idea?

I’d rather find out after a month or two that we aren’t a good fit then do long distance for the next two years.

Doesnt that make sense?

I can’ always move back if it doesn’t work, right?

In 4 weeks everything in my life could change.

After 4 days with him,

4 weeks ago

and 4 weeks of

4 hour long phone conversations

be 4 we even met

I’m going to ask 4 his permission,

I will move 4-ward with “Us”

and wake up to him 4 ever.

“While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart.” - NIGHTS IN RODANTHE